She took that little step because she wanted to see something new, but she fell back into that trap of love again.
People don’t get. You can’t just stop liking someone. You try and try but you just can’t. It’s not easy to stop having feelings for someone like that. So please stop making me feel like I’m the victim.
It seems like I’ve forgotten what it means to love someone. Time and hurt has made me into a heartless machine. Someone said to me that I don’t date, I have flings, and this is probably why. I am incapable of giving love. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel loved.
I thought it would be different. I thought that for once in my life, I’d be able to keep my feelings in check. I thought that I’d be able to keep them to myself, and that no one would know. Well, I was wrong.
It felt right to hide these feelings, to try and block them out. To not admit them out loud to myself. I was living in denial, trying to suppress something in order to protect myself. Yet deep down in my heart, I knew that it was true. No matter how much I wanted it to be false, it was there.
Hiding it felt right. No one would know, and if no one knew, then I wouldn’t get hurt. If no one knew, there wouldn’t be any expectations, none at all. Deep down, I wanted something to happen. Yet at the same time, I was perfectly fine with the way things were. I was a living paradox.
Being human, of course people found out. I could feel the expectations building. The pressure was on, and I hated it. It felt like I was forced to do something about these feelings, instead of hiding them like I did. I hated it, but I could sit and watch as people spoke. The lies were the worst part. The lies people fed me, created an illusion in my brain. They painted a picture I knew could never happen, yet being human, I clung on to that dream. A dream that was ridiculous.
It was too late then to stop the thoughts in my head. They were taking over my brain and my heart, and I wasn’t doing anything to stop then. I let these thoughts creep into my heart and cloud it, blocking out reality.
I never expected you to find out. I never wanted you to find out. Even though I wanted it so badly, I knew it would never happen. Nothing would go the way I wanted it to and I was fine with it. For once in my life, I was okay with hurting. It was a sacrifice I could and was willing to make.
But as it is in every story, you did find out. And I remember reading that message and feeling my heart drop. I was trapped, and it seemed like there was no way out. On one hand I could lie and deny everything, and you’d never know better. On the other hand, I could tell you the truth, and just hope everything would turn out fine.
I could’ve taken the easy way out, and lie, but I chose to tell you the truth simply because I didn’t want to lie to you. I was fine lying to myself and to others, but not to you. I knew you’d see through me anyway, no point beating around the bush then.
It was torturous lying in bed waiting for a reply. To stare at the ceiling hoping for the best when I knew it would be the worst. And even though I was expecting it, reading it hit me hard. It felt like I couldn’t breathe for a moment and I had to stop. Reading it once wasn’t enough. I had to read it over and over again to make the message sink in, and it felt like someone was stabbing my heart over and over again.
I hadn’t felt pain like that in a long time, and I’d forgotten how intense it was. To lie there and not know what to do with myself. To have my hands shaking, heart racing. To feel the steady drip of tears fall on my shoulder. No matter how hard I tried to control it, I couldn’t. I’d forgotten how.
There was nothing to do but lie there and let the pain pass, hopelessness sinking in. But of course there were still appearances to upkeep. I had to pretend I was fine, pretend that I had it all under control when the truth was, hearing your voice only made me cry more. But I was addicted to the pain, because it was you, and you were both the poison and the remedy.
The most painful thing, was to listen to you talk about her. The way you said it, so gently, only made me realize that it was over. I would never be her, and all the dreams I had were never coming true. And for the slightest moment, I hated her. I hated her because she had your heart. I hated her because she made you feel. I hated her because she wasn’t me. I hated her because she had your heart, when you had mine.
The pain in your voice only made things worse. To drag you into this wasn’t part of my plan. I never planned for you to know, never planned for you to play a part in this. I remember thinking to myself, “I wish I was her”. But I’m not, and I need to find a way to accept that.
No one said that it would be easy. On the contrary, it’s the most difficult thing to do. And even though I don’t want to, I’ve left my heart with you, and it’s going to be awhile before I can get it back. So while it’s with you, I only have one request: please don’t break it. It’s broken enough.
There is always light in the dark
Ever present in our lives
Yet the hardest thing
Is to stop the quicksand
But today is different
Today she can say
She got out of the quicksand
She stopped the cycle
She smiled instead of cried
She watched him as he walked away, that hollow feeling in her stomach returning. As he disappeared from view, she felt her smile collapse. It was hard to be pretend to be something she wasn’t, let alone act in front of him. She knew that he was one of the few who could see through her, and she knew he was watching for cracks.
As he came back into view, she plastered that fake smile back on her face again, her heart pumping. She could do this; she had to. He was the only one she had, and if he walked away, she would break. She couldn’t let him walk away. No matter what it took, she had to keep him by her side.
It’s that hollow ache in your chest. That sick feeling in your stomach that makes you wanna curl up in a ball and just cry. It’s the feeling of your heart folding in on itself, shattering into a million pieces. The worse part about it, is that you can’t express it. No one knows it’s there but you, and it makes you feel like caving in. You’re falling head first into that black spiral. You fall into that spiral of pain.
I forget you’re not mine sometimes. You belong to someone else, and I’m just a little girl in a big big world. No matter how badly I want to hold your hand or put my head on your shoulder, I can’t. I can’t do that. I can only sit here and watch while I try to hide my smiles. I can only sit here and hurt.
Sometimes I forget that life goes on without me. I forget that I’m nothing more than a piece in the big game of life. I forget that I don’t matter. I forget that I’m not special. I forget that there is someone else who is more talented. I forget that I don’t deserve love. I forget I’m me.